About Achi 💛

 

I find it unbelievable that we will no longer meet ever again. How huge. How unsettling. My heart breaks when I remember all the times she asked me when will I come back home, how long until we meet again. Oh, I could never settle back to home. Life took me farther away, rather I chose to move away and be only a guest at my own home. She was my home too, may be-I will never know-I was hers too, until before 8 to 6 months. Somewhere in-between she has lost us from her memory. She did not know who we were, or who I am whenever I visited. She tried to remember, unsuccessfully. The last time we spoke, on March 15^th 2025, she asked me if I will visit her again tomorrow and I assured her that I will, within a few days. I did not feel to leave her side but I had my return tickets booked and I had to move on. The last time we met, we sat together and I held her, gave her black coffee which she sipped slowly. We spoke continuously in those 30 minutes. She was talking about somethings like how tired she feels, who could I be, and random things. She enjoyed our chit-chat and she told me that it is nice to talk and that ‘will you come again tomorrow?’. That tomorrow never happened. See how unpredictable life is! Even when I knew at some corner of my heart that her time is nearing the end, I could do nothing. She must have forgotten my promise of visiting again, and the rest of the events happened to us in our lifetime together. I am still here, with a lot of memories about her from my childhood to adulthood. 

I have seen her cry so many times. Sometimes when we meet, sometimes when we part, and sometimes of reasons unknown to us. Witnessing her cry while we part was one of the hardest feeling I have ever had. My heart used to feel squeezed, heavy and screaming at the same time. All I would ever want for her is to be at peace, to be loved and for her to realize that she is one of the most loved persons in our entire family. I wish she have felt this at some point in her life or that she gets it now, after everything that has happened. How childish, I know. So many photographs of hers with or without us and one I will keep as a treasure from now on. The one pic during which she told my father that I am her daughter and he corrected her that I am the grand-daughter, and she asked ‘will that stop her from being my daughter’. I am going to stick it at the walls of her memory and to look at it every time I miss her or every time I regret for not being with her in her last months, or rather for not being with her whenever she needed me. Grief keeps one in the loop, and I wish grieving would help anyone to do it better the next time!